Sweet Disposition.

Hmm.. So the other day I finally got around to telling my sister what's happened.. not necessarily what went wrong.. just the whole differences thing.. and suprisingly, she was kind of disappointed ha. Disappointed that I didn't make it work.. which is totally different than what I've been hearing haha. Maybe it 'cause she really liked you and saw that I really was happy.. I laughed for a bit really just because I thought she'd say different but yeah.. I just told her, what's done is done and for now, I can't change anything.


Ehh.. well to be honest, these past two weeks have been probably the slowest/fastest weeks ever. How does that even work? I have no idea. It has been filled with great company, good laughs, spontaneous outings and so much more, yet.. it has been filled with gloom, undesired thoughts, and sleepless nights. I can't even describe to a person how I feel anymore hahah.. like two weeks ago I got into a car accident and then something else.. ha but the following week I got my permit and a job haha. I'm pretty nervous to see how it'll turn out tomorrow hehh. But all in all.. I wish you were here.. so I could share all my thoughts with you and just have someone I trust to talk with. Like I said in a previous post.. I wish I could just wake up from this dream... but it's not, it's reality. (Emo! HAH) My expectations are totally off from my reality and I can't wait til Saturday to prove that they really aren't going to align (Yeah.. I know 500 Days of Summer) hahah. Ahhh.. it's just so hard.. not only losing a boyfriend or whatever you wanna call it, but losing a best friend. Someone I love and trust. I don't know.. I just realized how much we both took advantage of the thought of always being there.. and we didn't really notice..but since it's all gone.. completely.. it's different. A huge change in everything. I wish everything wasn't so messed up.. You have played such a key factor in my life for the past two years. Simple 'Hello, How are you?"s really did suffice.. It's a shame to realize things once they are completely out of your grasp. I wish I could fix everything in a heartbeat.. but it's not up to me anymore.... I'm sure you know by now that I've been wanting to talk to you. But I'm not going to.. because I don't know if you want it bad enough... what I'm saying might be a mistake, but I'm going to take the chance. If you want to.. take the initiative. If not then..





Alyssa.

500DOS

As cheesy as this might sound, I think God really wanted me to see this movie. HAH. I think it was good for me to see it alone.. LAME well not really.. I just wasn't sitting riiiightttt next my sister and her friends. Honestly, just thinking about the whole movie makes my heart drop yet go crazy at the same time.. Thanks to Joseph Gordon-Levitt LOL.. jk not to mention Zooey DeChanel is sucha beauty! I wish I looked like her. It was kind of gay.. but I was smiling through the whole movie.. except the parts where I was silently crying to myself HAHA oh Lord. I can't explain how it makes me feel.. but it really made me feel hopeful. These past couple of months have been so rough on me, emotionally.. some of you may know ha. But yeah, Right now.. I feel happy, yet I feel my heart down in my stomach like I'm about to cry HA. But.. these past couple of days have been like this haha. Fuck.. sorry.. I can barely see the screen right now cause I'm crying again. I don't know what these tears are anymore.. emo hahahaha! Alright.. I can see better. During the whole movie I was thinking of something.. maybe a person.. heh. Ooo.. but of course.. it's meant for you to think of the special someone or the future DGGQ lol. No one knows (: But anyways.. I'm not gonna spoil anything but there's this part of the end.. where it has the numbers 225 behind JGL.. I don't know why I noticed but I just did.. and those happen to be the numbers of my birthday! Weird right? Coicidence.. yeah hah oh well I noticed it! I just want people to watch it.. of course it's going to be heartbreaking because it sure as hell broke mine at some of the parts.. It's weird cause I related to it so much.. pretty much most of it! At the end there's a spot that is suppose to be all happy and gives JGL closure.. of course I want to feel that closure and something that happens at the part. But as of now.. I can't see it happen.. I don't want to let it go.. yet.. I'm not sure. I don't want to let my memories go.. it's just so hard. I can't help but to think about it everyday. I'm hanging in there so much better though. Thanks to my friends for just chillin with me.. or talking to me when I feel like venting or listening to me brag about how good of a guy you are haha. (500) Days of Summer gave me hope.. I hope everyone whose struggling right now gets a chance to watch it (:

(731) on Tuesday.. shit.
PS I painted you something today.. haaaa..


_Alyssa

It feels

like this past week has been a dream..


I'm just ready to wake up from it now.



But I know it isn't and I know I can't wake up and just fix everything that went wrong this week.. from my others peoples pain going to my own. Everything happens for a reason, right? And everything right will just fall into place.. As I've heard hah.. for me.. everything has just been going in such different directions this week. I wouldn't even know where to start. I mean of course I've had plenty of good moments this week, no doubt.. but all those moments went by so quickly.. and right now I can only see what went wrong this week.. I know I shouldn't and I don't want to.. but I just can't stop. But the thing is, I don't want to stop thinking about it.. I don't want to forget any of the memories that have been replaying in my head the past couple days. I feel it all slowly slipping through my fingers or disappearing right before my eyes. I don't want to lose these memories and I wish more could be made. I've been finding myself getting really upset at least once a day.. and even start tearing up sometimes ha. I still can't believe it. I've been taught so much from this, given so much advice to this and each time I get really.. emotional? Because it's such a touchy subject.. everytime I'm done talking about it.. I find so many more positive things about you.. ha yeah, it's a person.. who woulda guess.. haaaaaaaaa. Sometimes reading what you have to say makes my heart drop to my stomach.. I can't help to believe that it's not over. It's like I just wanna get my phone and make that call.. or make that trip.. or just go out of my way to do something.. I would in a heartbeat.. but.. Idk. I just want this to be over and just start over.


I want to wake up.
"I'm tryna reach you, I can almost feel you, you're nearly here and then... you disappear."



_Alyssa Nicole Sacramento.

BIGASSSSSHUGGGG

That's what I wanted to give you tonight..




=[ I know it won't happen anymore though..




_Alyssa

A reminder.

Yesterday was a reminder for me to be thankful for everyday that I'm still here on Earth living with the people I love the most. Life can be taken away in a matter of milliseconds.. without you even suspecting it. Yesterday might've been one of the closest things to that.. One car hitting ours the wrong way.. wow I can't even imagine. I'm really just so thankful to be here right now. I'm thankful that no one invovled was seriously injured. I'm thankful that God was with us in that car. I'm sure that yesterday was a wake up call to almost all of us to never take things for granted. All I know is that I'm so thankful to still be here, along with the 4 other people that were involved and that I'm so blessed to have such a great life.. even if things don't go as I desire sometimes.. I know God is watching out for me and making sure that I'm still here to do something right.




_Alyssa.

I'm in

DENIAL


Hahhhhh.. forreal though. I really didn't think so.. because I thought I had my mind straight.. but really? When do I ever have my mind straight.. when does anyone?! Aha. I guess I just had to hear it from one of my closest friends that I am. I'm so stubborn that I don't see the good things that I have right in front of my face.. whether it be a person or an activity or whatever. My constant standings on being "right" all the time are causing me to think otherwise of the things that really are right.. or at least make sense. For the past couple of months I've been so narrow-minded that I'm beggining to shut out other peoples imput, even for those I care about the most. I know for a fact that I'm not angry or pissed off most of the time.. it's just that I'm scared. Just scared of being hurt.. that's pretty much it. Haha. As I was telling someone last night.. I'm just tired of putting myself out there (even I don't sometimes ha), and then getting shut down. But hey, that's life nahmeaaannn?! Yeaahh.. just gotta DEAL. But if you don't want me to beat around the bush anymore, all I really am is... FUCKING LONELY hahahahah. It's true, but hey whatevaaaaa ;D



_Lyss!

Tell me why

I let so many things slip right through my fingers.. why I know I ruined something that had so much potential... why I contradicted all the advice I'd given to others.. why I have to ruin every "thing" I get invovled with.. why all my guy friends are telling me that they're changing.. why I haven't given up on you yet.. why I won't.




And tell my why this asshole is my twin HAHAHA.


buggyboi92 (4:07:32 AM): YEAH
buggyboi92 (4:07:35 AM): shoot
buggyboi92 (4:07:38 AM): teach me
a lees s uh h (4:07:44 AM): OH WHATTTT?!
buggyboi92 (4:07:51 AM): hahahaha
buggyboi92 (4:07:56 AM): you heard me!
a lees s uh h (4:07:55 AM): joshua david schock is asking ME?!
buggyboi92 (4:07:58 AM): LOL
a lees s uh h (4:08:04 AM): damn
buggyboi92 (4:08:07 AM): dudeee
buggyboi92 (4:08:07 AM): fucking
a lees s uh h (4:08:07 AM): crazzyyyy night
buggyboi92 (4:08:08 AM): i love you
a lees s uh h (4:08:08 AM): hahaha
buggyboi92 (4:08:10 AM): gahdayum
buggyboi92 (4:08:10 AM): yeah
buggyboi92 (4:08:10 AM): wow
buggyboi92 (4:08:13 AM): fucking
a lees s uh h (4:08:15 AM): dude i know
buggyboi92 (4:08:15 AM): smiilar moment
a lees s uh h (4:08:16 AM): hahahaha
buggyboi92 (4:08:17 AM): LOL
buggyboi92 (4:08:22 AM): we seirously
buggyboi92 (4:08:21 AM): have
buggyboi92 (4:08:26 AM): a connection going on
a lees s uh h (4:08:32 AM): no.. really i know we do
a lees s uh h (4:08:33 AM): hahahahaha
buggyboi92 (4:08:36 AM): hahahaha



"I'm not even gonna ask, I'm gonna let you handle this on your own"
And why I love this muuhhhhfucking bitch so much HAHAHA.
I don't know it's crazy how the two of us argue so much and don't see eye to eye about anything.. but we still have this neverending faith in each other and that we won't fall.. but come up and succeed or learn in the end.





Oh and eff you JSal for finishing all the AP shit hahahahah.. I'm so jealous! >=[





_Lyss.