Mmm..

Haven't felt this way in so long about anyone.. It's a shame that everything happened at the most horrible timing. I hate that I'm so upset right now.. because I'm probably the furthest from being a sad/upset person period ha.. But right now I am. And yeah, it might be someones "fault" but damn sure it's my fault too. I feel my heart down in my stomach right now hah. I just can't believe this is happening. Or maybe I'm assuming too quickly.. hah but I doubt it. I was always told to prepare for the worst.. which is what I'm doing right now. But I just can't see any of it going through right now. I can't process anything ha.. I wish things could go back.. but we can only move forward. I can't keep living in the past or even the future. What I hate the most about this.. is that so much was found out during the bad parts.. things that should have been said when things were at least okay. It's things that will never have a chance to be fixed and I'll be wondering for a long time what could have been. But I know I shouldn't.. At one point I thought or acted like I felt so much hatred towards the person. But in reality I was just running away from what I really felt.. which was obviously completely opposite.. haha. How could I hate, yknow? Even if it might be the scenario for the other person hah.. I'm just so scared. Scared of feeling this way. Scared of feeling something I haven't felt in nearly two or three years.. the feeling of losing someone so close to me.. that was seriously one of the worst feelings.. The fact that I want to be friends or at least keep in touch with that person.. but I know I can't. The firs time something similar to this happened.. I right away wanted things to be okay, for us to be friends.. But that was so much harder.. and a year later is when we could finally stand to be around each other.. ha sad. I'm just scared this might take even longer. As each day passes and each and everytime I talk to this person.. the more afraid I am. I hate how we go everyday talking casualy pretending like nothings wrong and after the bad things will become good and we'll be "friends".. that's not going to happen. I won't let it happen. I already see it happening to one of my best friends.. it's not healthy for her. I don't and won't end up doing stupid things to get my "mind off it" because when the day ends or at a part of a day when I'm sane.. it'll still be there. The part of me thinking.. "I wish I knew what you wanted" because I wouldve in a heart beat. I guess this just sums up that it's too late.. I'm scared I'm giving up now..


"Kiss me quick, but make it last.
So I can see how badly this will
hurt me when you say Goodbye."




P.S. This is the most ma'arte, emo, kawawa, dramatic blog ever HAHAHAHAHA...





_Yours always, Alyssa.